Mmmmmm . . . Muffin Top

So, I will be returning to work in less than two weeks. I am freaking out. My husband works from home and will be taking care of all three kids by himself while I am at work. He is an excellent father, but my god. I cannot imagine taking care of all three of them by myself. If anyone can do it, he can, but I just hope he doesn't go completely mental in the process.

I am also worried about something much more trivial and selfish. Dude. What the hell am I going to wear to work? I have major stomach pooch. And twin skin. I look maybe 4 months pregnant. I can force myself into some pre-pregnancy pants but the muffin top I get is horrendous. I can wear maternity pants but who the hell wants to do that. And I'd be sort of embarrassed if anyone saw that I was still wearing maternity clothes. I thought I could get away with that after having Logan and one of my co-workers exclaimed that my pants were "too big in the butt." Granted, she's about as mature as this year's Beaujolais Nouveau, but still. Nothing really fits. I just placed an order with Old Navy for some el cheapo post-pregnancy clothes but I have no idea if I bought the right sizes or not. Probably not seeing as how their stuff seems to be made for anorexic 12 year olds.

Also, I bought a new pair of glasses! It was kind of an impulse buy. I saw this little blurb about cheap online glasses and I thought "hey, why not?" and I quick as a bunny found my OLD, OLD, OLD prescription and ordered me up a pair. Hey, I've had my current glasses since 1999. Yes. They are 8 years old. I bought this new pair from 39dollarglasses.com . . . and they were $29. How can that be? Well, I found a coupon code for $10 off. Now I ask you, who can beat that??

No Storks Allowed

When we were in the hospital after the birth of Emma and Molly we were cautioned not to place a birth announcement in the paper or put up signs in our yard or balloons on our mailbox to herald the twins' arrival. They said it was just asking for trouble - practically inviting wackadoos to show up on our doorstep to steal our babies and announcing to all the pedophiles that there was "fresh meat" in the vicinity.

This seemed like a really paranoid overreaction to me, but then I did some research at home and found that these warnings were actually justified. I do not consider myself a naive person and I consider myself to be more wary and cautious than many people I know, but this seems like a really bad soap opera plot (worse than the time Marlena became possessed on Days of Our Lives). How sad is it that you have to put a lid on your happiness and must think twice before sharing your good news with the neighborhood?

This all reminds me of the stories you hear of firemen starting fires so they have something to do or those people who read about funerals in the newspaper and then go to the grieving family's home and burglarize them. These are the things people might call unbelievable in a work of fiction, but they are infiltrating our everyday realities at an alarming pace.

It saddens me that such an innocent, joyful practice has become so dangerous, however, I am really hoping it means we won't be seeing much of these around anytime soon.