Mmmmmm . . . Muffin Top

So, I will be returning to work in less than two weeks. I am freaking out. My husband works from home and will be taking care of all three kids by himself while I am at work. He is an excellent father, but my god. I cannot imagine taking care of all three of them by myself. If anyone can do it, he can, but I just hope he doesn't go completely mental in the process.

I am also worried about something much more trivial and selfish. Dude. What the hell am I going to wear to work? I have major stomach pooch. And twin skin. I look maybe 4 months pregnant. I can force myself into some pre-pregnancy pants but the muffin top I get is horrendous. I can wear maternity pants but who the hell wants to do that. And I'd be sort of embarrassed if anyone saw that I was still wearing maternity clothes. I thought I could get away with that after having Logan and one of my co-workers exclaimed that my pants were "too big in the butt." Granted, she's about as mature as this year's Beaujolais Nouveau, but still. Nothing really fits. I just placed an order with Old Navy for some el cheapo post-pregnancy clothes but I have no idea if I bought the right sizes or not. Probably not seeing as how their stuff seems to be made for anorexic 12 year olds.

Also, I bought a new pair of glasses! It was kind of an impulse buy. I saw this little blurb about cheap online glasses and I thought "hey, why not?" and I quick as a bunny found my OLD, OLD, OLD prescription and ordered me up a pair. Hey, I've had my current glasses since 1999. Yes. They are 8 years old. I bought this new pair from 39dollarglasses.com . . . and they were $29. How can that be? Well, I found a coupon code for $10 off. Now I ask you, who can beat that??

A Realization

This is the longest I've gone without throwing up since finding out I was pregnant. Four weeks vomit-free! Damn, it feels good. I think I puked at least four times a week every week (on average) my entire pregnancy. I was hurling so often that my officemate at work urged me to make sure to visit my dentist ASAP after giving birth. Vomit erodes tooth enamel you know. She cautioned me that he might suspect an eating disorder but that I really should suck it up and go. Hello? Yeah - I really look like I have an eating disorder - that's a good one. Honey, I wasn't so svelte pre-pregnancy, but now? Let's just say I don't really have to worry about being mistaken for Nicole Richie.

All that puking taught me some valuable lessons.

• Never take the easy way out and throw up in the bathroom sink instead of the toilet. I know it's tempting to just run right in, turn to the side, and let loose into the sink. No fuss, no muss. No splashing. No bending over. It seems like the perfect choice. But no. Unless you want to be up at 1 AM unclogging the drain while your husband pretends to be asleep, just walk a few more steps and do your thing into the toilet.
  

• I don't really chew my pasta very well.

• If there is inadequate time between drinking and puking, the carbonation from Coke really hurts coming up.

• I will never eat chicken pot pie again.

• If you weigh close to 200 pounds, do not kneel in front of the toilet to puke. Just bend over as far as you can and hope you don't splash too much. Otherwise, you may have difficult getting up and/or you may injure something in your butt that makes it so you can barely walk and you will have to hobble around like a 90 year old for a good two months or so. You will even have to ride the damn motorized scooter in the grocery store and you will feel like a complete moron. Just saying.
  

• Vomiting an entire movie theater sized box of Junior Mints is not entirely unpleasant.
  

From Hideously Ginormous to Just Plain Old Ginormous

People seem surprised that I have lost 40 pounds in 3 weeks. Normally, I would be too! But, I did pop out two babies weighing a combined total of around 12 pounds. The rest is just placenta and blood and water weight. Oh, and let us not forget the handful of 3 pound bowel movements I've had this past week. So . . . really? Not that impressive.

I didn't take many photos of myself while pregnant - I just felt HUGE and uncomfortable and I wasn't particularly compelled to document my misery. But, I did force myself to take a couple of shots of myself in the mirror towards the very end. Keep in mind, these were taken a month before I actually gave birth. HA! Yes. So, I was even bigger and badder before this was all over. Oh, and don't pay any attention to the clothes on the floor . . . you try picking up anything off of the floor when you have a stomach the size of the Hindenburg.







This is how swollen I was:



What I'm about to show you is frightening and horrific and not suitable for public viewing. So, proceed at your own risk.

This is what the aftermath looked like:







Nice overhang, huh? They call that the "mother's apron," I'm told. Isn't that quaint? Every time they'd check my incision in the hospital they would have to lift up that flap. Humiliating AND painful! As I've lost weight and the swelling has diminished, so has the flap. THANK GOD. I still have a little bit of floppy pouch there, but it's not like I have to tuck it into my pants anymore (oh yes, I did).